Ever since I started college and had a good time away from home, my past memories have become fuzzier and fuzzier. I know I was terribly unhappy for years on end and as I've mentioned in a previous blog, for the first time in a long time I'm finally in a more optimistic place. I don't like to dwell on my past or try to relive those awful years of depression, however, recently I wondered why I had been so miserable. I quickly told myself it was due to loneliness and to just leave it alone.
I broke down today.
I cried and felt horrible feelings. The same feelings I had to deal with every single day for all those years and now, I can't believe I actually got through them.
What prompted this? It wasn't abuse or anything drastic like that; all it took was a simple disagreement with my mother.
Soon after, Daniel called and while I was confused to why I was suddenly so emotional-on the verge of tears, Daniel just knew. He knew before I did. He saw it all along while I thought my relationship with my mother had made such wonderful progress-we had come so far. I guess not. She's the same, I'm the one who has changed. I'm the one who has matured, not she.
There's nothing I can do about the past. I just have to deal. She won't change if she doesn't want to.
I was so isolated, neglected, hurt by her. I like to think she just didn't know any better.
Who cares. Who cares. Who cares.
Point is, I'm not going to dwell on it or resent her. I just have to teach myself how to connect with people and actually care...I just have to do it or else I'll end up like her.
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