yellow.blue.yellow.green.blue.

So by this time next week I will have completed my first day at my internship at the Newport Beach Film Festival and the first day back to the BME office and I hope that by this time next week I will be asleep instead of being up here on the internets frantically jumping from page to page...because that's what I do it seems.

For most of this summer my TV has been on at this time on "Poker After Dark." I don't watch it though. It's just there. I do notice the players are always trying to psych each other out (duh, Cynthia). I would just be awful at that game, except that one time I played with hershey kisses and won somehow. Lady luck.

I'm semi-ready for this summer to be over already. I love being able to sleep whenever the hell I please without worrying (much) that I have to wake up early the next day. Though, that's getting harder since now I'm staying up even though I'm dead tired because my mind won't shut up. Just worrying about stuff, wondering how it's all going to work out. I realized I definately can't stay an extra year at UCI since fees will be higher and financial aid, if there is any, will be lower. I read an article in the LA Times today talking about how we'll most likely have a mid-year fee increase. I'm just sick of it. It really sucks that we get thrown into the real world whilst it's in the middle of a recession, but I am grateful that I'm not trying to get into college right now. I know for sure that the UC's are getting very selective and pricey, I don't know about the CSU's, but one would think so and the poor CC's...they're getting jam packed due to unemployment, underemployment and all those people getting rejected or having to drop out of UC's/CSU's.

But I won't despair. This is not forever. It will get better.

And I hope this summer of death doesn't morph into the fall of death (doesn't have the same ring to it, does it?). My heart aches whenever I think of those who have passed, one who I knew personally and the others who were high-profiled. I really hate it when people mock someone's death. One person specifically on Twitter really pissed me off. First, when Michael Jackson died he just put something along the lines of "That fucking wierdo had it coming hahaha." and when DJ Am died he put something like "Rip Dj Am?! LOL fucking idiot junkie had a second chance and pissed it away with drugs...hahahaha!" I was just so angry I didn't even have the patience to contact him personally. So now I'll just vent here:

Wow, really? These are two human beings who had serious problems and who DIED. Have some fucking respect. They were incredibly tragic deaths, how does an "LOL" fit into that? Do you know nothing about drug addiction? Did you know them or what they were going through? No.

The DJ Am is the one that really bothered me because it is well known (to me, anyway) that he had been clean for almost a decade and was very involved in getting others clean and that his "second chance" might be what did him in. His injuries required him to take prescription pain killers and anyone who knows anything about drug addiction-that is an extremely risky thing to do, especially if you're a former addict. Add the emotional trauma of the accident and there you have a dangerous mix.

Honestly, how dare you?

I'm done.

I think I'll go to ikea.com now.

SNOWBALL

Clark Gable is just too fucking charming. How is one man so goddamn mesmerizing?

School is almost here. Internship is almost here. Work is almost here. Shelter is almost here. Of course Daniel's show is the day before the craziness of this quarter begins. Daniel says he doesn't mind if I don't go but I'll feel antsy if I don't. I just hate that it's on a Sunday. I'll probably end up going, sleep be damned.

I really need to sit my mom down and show some Dog Whisperer, maybe then she'll try to get control of the dogs. She agrees to anything someone on the radio or television says.

OK. Time to hopefully go to sleep.

tiger woods.

I really don't know what to do.

I couldn't go to sleep yesterday because I kept debating with myself whether to stay an extra year or not. Those UCLA classes I took in the beginning of summer have helped me figure out what I want to pursue. I would love to be a Unit Production Mananger and the Director's Guild of America have this program that trains you to be a 2nd Assistant Director, so if you succesfully finish the program you'll be in the DGA and will be able to be hired as a 2nd Assistant Director and can work yourself up to 1st Assistant Director to Unit Production Manager.

In my head, me staying another year all depends if I'm admitted to the DGA Trainee Program, however, they don't tell you if you'll move on to the interviews till February I think. So, in reality, it doesn't depend on that. I just feel like it does.

So, I have three choices.

1. Don't apply this November but the next November. Stay an extra year at UCI. Pick up another major or minor. Gain more experience. Perhaps think about Grad school as well.

2. Apply this November and hope for the best. Graduate UCI. If I'm admitted: career plan is working. If I'm not: get internships and get whatever job(s) I can-and if I'm still having a hard time finding a good career starter job, apply again for the program and Grad School.

3. Freak out.

Right now I'm currently experiencing #3 BUT am leaning towards #2 BUT if I want to do #1 I have to decide in these coming weeks before school starts so I can start taking additional classes. BAH.

you mean i made all these pancakes for nothing?

Ever since I started college and had a good time away from home, my past memories have become fuzzier and fuzzier. I know I was terribly unhappy for years on end and as I've mentioned in a previous blog, for the first time in a long time I'm finally in a more optimistic place. I don't like to dwell on my past or try to relive those awful years of depression, however, recently I wondered why I had been so miserable. I quickly told myself it was due to loneliness and to just leave it alone.

I broke down today.

I cried and felt horrible feelings. The same feelings I had to deal with every single day for all those years and now, I can't believe I actually got through them.

What prompted this? It wasn't abuse or anything drastic like that; all it took was a simple disagreement with my mother.

Soon after, Daniel called and while I was confused to why I was suddenly so emotional-on the verge of tears, Daniel just knew. He knew before I did. He saw it all along while I thought my relationship with my mother had made such wonderful progress-we had come so far. I guess not. She's the same, I'm the one who has changed. I'm the one who has matured, not she.

There's nothing I can do about the past. I just have to deal. She won't change if she doesn't want to.

I was so isolated, neglected, hurt by her. I like to think she just didn't know any better.

Who cares. Who cares. Who cares.

Point is, I'm not going to dwell on it or resent her. I just have to teach myself how to connect with people and actually care...I just have to do it or else I'll end up like her.

pretty scary movie

I ALMOST DIED.

Actually,

I KIND OF CHOKED AND THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO VOMIT. And then I thought the pill had gone down the wrong tube and that I was going to get cancer and die.

I hate when that happens.

No, really, this happens to me a lot. I choke on many things. More than average I'm sure. One of the reasons I eat so slowly. Plus, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac so I thought of all the things that could happen to me and I believed them all of them for half a second. Well, I still kind of feel like it went down the wrong tube.

This time I swallowed a pill that was truly unnecessary. I felt an illness looming ahead. Random bouts of sneezing and runny noses. So, I decided to look at the pills we have lying around and I saw the Costco brand Centrum-a multivitamin thing and saw that it had a lovely amount of Vitamin C.

Why not just take it, right?

However, I was slightly put off by the size.

It's fucking thick.

Note: Picture is not mine. Found on web. Too lazy to take picture and upload it.

I've had trouble with thick pills before. Specifically, something called fish oil or something like that. It's yellow and mean. Last time I attempted to swallow that I choked. Thankfully my powerful diaphragm blew that motherfucker out of me. My dog ate it shortly after.

Anyways, this Centrum wannabe pill-though very intimidating-convinced me with it's bounty of Vitamin C to attempt to put it in my body. So I put it in my mouth and decided to swallow it quickly. As it came to the middle of my throat I freaked out because I felt it's hugeness...

You know, I just realized how this easily can be turned into some erotica.

Moving on! I decided then and there that I was choking though Daniel and Jairo assured me that I wouldn't be able to talk if it was in my windpipe but I still coughed and flailed around.

I wondered if I was going to vomit. I did not. And obviously, I did not die. But I will never do that again. I will get my nutrients elsewhere. I'll buy orange juice or I might go a bit crazy and buy some actual oranges.

That's coming up.

I happy! I looked up my grades for my UCLA online Producing courses and I got A's!! For the first time ever in my college career, I got a 4.0. I really put effort into it and I was so engrossed with the material, now I'm not disheartened about my intelligence. I can do the work, I just need to...do the work.

This summer is definately better than lasts. Without a doubt. For one, I'm not depressed. For second, I'm happy.

This morning, Shaina and I went hiking in Azusa. Oh my god. I'm extremely out of shape. I could only go up for like ten minutes then I quit that bitch with much shame but mostly relief. I felt like I was going to pass out. So, it is my goal to climb up that stupid thing after I attempt to get considerably less out of shape. Cross ya fingas hoes.

Summer tradition: buying a shitload of books from one author.

Last summer it was Cynthia Voight's Tillerman series. This summer it is all of Sarah Dessen's novels. I grew to love those ladies in middle school and I'm having a great time rediscovering them. I loved Voight even more the second time. I could relate more. I remember I really didn't like 17 Against the Dealer but when I read it again, I really freaking loved it. And Sarah Dessen has these books about young women transitioning from one phase of their life to another, though sometimes quite mushy, I really do enjoy it.

I had no intention of re-reading the books but last week I found the one book I do own-The Truth About Forever (Wes and Macy=SWOON) and decided to read it while on the way to eat with my family and I got so hooked. Again. I still have so many more books to buy from other authors, Madeline L'engle especially, but I'm going to wait for another school break before I get those.

As you can see, I really love me my "young adult" books. They're just so fun to read. I know I can easily just go to the library and read them for free but these books are special to me (the nostalgic factor has affected me greatly). I know I'm going to keep re-reading these as long as I live and I hope to pass them down to someone.

Conclusion: Whore-ay for books, motherfuckers.