tiger woods.

I really don't know what to do.

I couldn't go to sleep yesterday because I kept debating with myself whether to stay an extra year or not. Those UCLA classes I took in the beginning of summer have helped me figure out what I want to pursue. I would love to be a Unit Production Mananger and the Director's Guild of America have this program that trains you to be a 2nd Assistant Director, so if you succesfully finish the program you'll be in the DGA and will be able to be hired as a 2nd Assistant Director and can work yourself up to 1st Assistant Director to Unit Production Manager.

In my head, me staying another year all depends if I'm admitted to the DGA Trainee Program, however, they don't tell you if you'll move on to the interviews till February I think. So, in reality, it doesn't depend on that. I just feel like it does.

So, I have three choices.

1. Don't apply this November but the next November. Stay an extra year at UCI. Pick up another major or minor. Gain more experience. Perhaps think about Grad school as well.

2. Apply this November and hope for the best. Graduate UCI. If I'm admitted: career plan is working. If I'm not: get internships and get whatever job(s) I can-and if I'm still having a hard time finding a good career starter job, apply again for the program and Grad School.

3. Freak out.

Right now I'm currently experiencing #3 BUT am leaning towards #2 BUT if I want to do #1 I have to decide in these coming weeks before school starts so I can start taking additional classes. BAH.

you mean i made all these pancakes for nothing?

Ever since I started college and had a good time away from home, my past memories have become fuzzier and fuzzier. I know I was terribly unhappy for years on end and as I've mentioned in a previous blog, for the first time in a long time I'm finally in a more optimistic place. I don't like to dwell on my past or try to relive those awful years of depression, however, recently I wondered why I had been so miserable. I quickly told myself it was due to loneliness and to just leave it alone.

I broke down today.

I cried and felt horrible feelings. The same feelings I had to deal with every single day for all those years and now, I can't believe I actually got through them.

What prompted this? It wasn't abuse or anything drastic like that; all it took was a simple disagreement with my mother.

Soon after, Daniel called and while I was confused to why I was suddenly so emotional-on the verge of tears, Daniel just knew. He knew before I did. He saw it all along while I thought my relationship with my mother had made such wonderful progress-we had come so far. I guess not. She's the same, I'm the one who has changed. I'm the one who has matured, not she.

There's nothing I can do about the past. I just have to deal. She won't change if she doesn't want to.

I was so isolated, neglected, hurt by her. I like to think she just didn't know any better.

Who cares. Who cares. Who cares.

Point is, I'm not going to dwell on it or resent her. I just have to teach myself how to connect with people and actually care...I just have to do it or else I'll end up like her.

pretty scary movie

I ALMOST DIED.

Actually,

I KIND OF CHOKED AND THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO VOMIT. And then I thought the pill had gone down the wrong tube and that I was going to get cancer and die.

I hate when that happens.

No, really, this happens to me a lot. I choke on many things. More than average I'm sure. One of the reasons I eat so slowly. Plus, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac so I thought of all the things that could happen to me and I believed them all of them for half a second. Well, I still kind of feel like it went down the wrong tube.

This time I swallowed a pill that was truly unnecessary. I felt an illness looming ahead. Random bouts of sneezing and runny noses. So, I decided to look at the pills we have lying around and I saw the Costco brand Centrum-a multivitamin thing and saw that it had a lovely amount of Vitamin C.

Why not just take it, right?

However, I was slightly put off by the size.

It's fucking thick.

Note: Picture is not mine. Found on web. Too lazy to take picture and upload it.

I've had trouble with thick pills before. Specifically, something called fish oil or something like that. It's yellow and mean. Last time I attempted to swallow that I choked. Thankfully my powerful diaphragm blew that motherfucker out of me. My dog ate it shortly after.

Anyways, this Centrum wannabe pill-though very intimidating-convinced me with it's bounty of Vitamin C to attempt to put it in my body. So I put it in my mouth and decided to swallow it quickly. As it came to the middle of my throat I freaked out because I felt it's hugeness...

You know, I just realized how this easily can be turned into some erotica.

Moving on! I decided then and there that I was choking though Daniel and Jairo assured me that I wouldn't be able to talk if it was in my windpipe but I still coughed and flailed around.

I wondered if I was going to vomit. I did not. And obviously, I did not die. But I will never do that again. I will get my nutrients elsewhere. I'll buy orange juice or I might go a bit crazy and buy some actual oranges.

That's coming up.

I happy! I looked up my grades for my UCLA online Producing courses and I got A's!! For the first time ever in my college career, I got a 4.0. I really put effort into it and I was so engrossed with the material, now I'm not disheartened about my intelligence. I can do the work, I just need to...do the work.

This summer is definately better than lasts. Without a doubt. For one, I'm not depressed. For second, I'm happy.

This morning, Shaina and I went hiking in Azusa. Oh my god. I'm extremely out of shape. I could only go up for like ten minutes then I quit that bitch with much shame but mostly relief. I felt like I was going to pass out. So, it is my goal to climb up that stupid thing after I attempt to get considerably less out of shape. Cross ya fingas hoes.

Summer tradition: buying a shitload of books from one author.

Last summer it was Cynthia Voight's Tillerman series. This summer it is all of Sarah Dessen's novels. I grew to love those ladies in middle school and I'm having a great time rediscovering them. I loved Voight even more the second time. I could relate more. I remember I really didn't like 17 Against the Dealer but when I read it again, I really freaking loved it. And Sarah Dessen has these books about young women transitioning from one phase of their life to another, though sometimes quite mushy, I really do enjoy it.

I had no intention of re-reading the books but last week I found the one book I do own-The Truth About Forever (Wes and Macy=SWOON) and decided to read it while on the way to eat with my family and I got so hooked. Again. I still have so many more books to buy from other authors, Madeline L'engle especially, but I'm going to wait for another school break before I get those.

As you can see, I really love me my "young adult" books. They're just so fun to read. I know I can easily just go to the library and read them for free but these books are special to me (the nostalgic factor has affected me greatly). I know I'm going to keep re-reading these as long as I live and I hope to pass them down to someone.

Conclusion: Whore-ay for books, motherfuckers.